Mommyness: Stay-At-Home Mom or Working Mom?

Let me start off by saying that I’m not writing this post to talk about who’s superior: a WM or a SAHM? As this topic usually ends up being a debate, or a contest of mommy-superiority. At the end of the day, she’s a mother, and whatever situation she is in, she is doing the best she can for her family, and for herself, too! And just because she nags once in a while, doesn’t mean that she is ungrateful or unhappy.

Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world. That is why, in every religion and culture, a mother is given extreme significance. I can, of course, speak best for Islam… here are some Ahadith (sayings of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him), on the importance of mothers:

Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother. (Ahmed, Nasai)

A man came to the Prophet and said,

‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim).

So no matter what you do… you are always going to be cherished, and you are the best in the eyes of your child (except, of course, during the notorious teenage years…)

Then why do moms have a Battle of Superiority all the time? Why do some moms have a holier-than-thou attitude, not realising that the other person is judging them right back, albiet silently?

I’m a working mom. I worked up to my 37^th gestational week, and I went back to work- part time 7 weeks postpartum, and full time 4 weeks after that. But I’ve had a lot of long breaks (going up to 3 months for the summer) where I’ve been a full-time stay at home mom. I see my cousins, sisters-in-law, close friends: some of whom are SAHMs as well as WMs, and we share our experiences, exchange notes, and give each other a sympathetic shoulder when we need it. So here are reasons why one should sympathise with a mother in either of the situations.

Stay-at-home mom. She stays with the children All. The. Time. Her life revolves majorly, almost completely, around the children. She spends all of her day at home, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, even when they are sick… Because she is at home all day long, it is assumed that she is relaxed and well rested, and therefore should not complain about being tired. Really?

To start with, she hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks. Or months. Or years! She wakes up to dirty diapers, noisy brats, not-wanting-to-go-to-school tantrums, getting breakfasts and lunches ready, finding the matching shirt which was right there last night… following which she has to do endless loads of laundry, cook for the family, try and spend some time social networking, some phone calls. The children and husband come home, all with their own needs and demands. And let’s not forget that in a lot of situations, because she is “at home doing nothing” all the time, she is responsible for things like groceries, paying bills, and other random outside jobs as well. At the end of it all, does she have the time to look after herself? Covered in poop and spit-ups all the time, dealing with smelly socks and dirty underwear, covered in splatters of food… there’s no scope for some “me time”. She’s slowly cut off from her other friends who are either too busy being single and can’t really identify with her mommy-ness, or are too busy in their professions, or are going through exactly what she is, and therefore have no time for socialising.

So she decides to give a try at being… a

Working mom. Yes she gets to go out every day, and doesn’t have to “tolerate” the children all the time. That’s because for a few hours a day, she gets a break from the children. But really, can you call it a break? Meeting deadlines, making presentations, dealing with demanding superiors and nagging subordinates, working out logistics, stressing over some issue or the other at work… because if she fails, she becomes a prime example of a “failed mother who tried, but couldn’t be a professional”. All the while she has to mentally prepared to receive a call from the daycare/school about a fight, a broken arm, a raging fever, and is expected to go rushing to take the kid out of that situation.

She returns home (sometimes, picking up the children) and all she would like to do is kick off her shoes, close her eyes and take a nice nap… unwind, forget about what all happened at work, before she gets back to the Real World. But there’s no break! Kids’ naptimes need to be taken care of, their homework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, social networking, some phone calls… followed by the needs and demands of the husband and children… all the work that a SAHM mom takes the whole day to do, a WM has to squeeze into the remaining 4-8 hours of an already long day. At the end of it all, no matter how well she is doing in her profession, or how much financial stability she brings into the family, or how hard she makes up for the missed time once she is back home, she has to deal with the nagging guilt of leaving the children behind and not giving them her complete, undivided attention. If anything goes wrong with the child, or they are lacking in any department, or pick up some skill a wee bit later than their peers, it’s blamed on their working mom who doesn’t have time to devote to the poor child!

For either of the two situations, she doesn’t get a break. She doesn’t get sick leaves. A lot of the times, she doesn’t get too much appreciation. But she doesn’t complain. Because at the end of the day, she gets paid in cuddles, drooly kisses, toothless smiles and a whole lot of love. And whether she is working or not, there isn’t a bit of being a mother that she would want to change!

What challenges or judgement do you face as a mom?