Mommyness: Stay-At-Home Mom or Working Mom?

Let me start off by saying that I’m not writing this post to talk about who’s superior: a WM or a SAHM? As this topic usually ends up being a debate, or a contest of mommy-superiority. At the end of the day, she’s a mother, and whatever situation she is in, she is doing the best she can for her family, and for herself, too! And just because she nags once in a while, doesn’t mean that she is ungrateful or unhappy.

Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world. That is why, in every religion and culture, a mother is given extreme significance. I can, of course, speak best for Islam… here are some Ahadith (sayings of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him), on the importance of mothers:

Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother. (Ahmed, Nasai)

A man came to the Prophet and said,

‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?’ The Prophet said: Then your father. (Bukhari, Muslim).

So no matter what you do… you are always going to be cherished, and you are the best in the eyes of your child (except, of course, during the notorious teenage years…)

Then why do moms have a Battle of Superiority all the time? Why do some moms have a holier-than-thou attitude, not realising that the other person is judging them right back, albiet silently?

I’m a working mom. I worked up to my 37^th gestational week, and I went back to work- part time 7 weeks postpartum, and full time 4 weeks after that. But I’ve had a lot of long breaks (going up to 3 months for the summer) where I’ve been a full-time stay at home mom. I see my cousins, sisters-in-law, close friends: some of whom are SAHMs as well as WMs, and we share our experiences, exchange notes, and give each other a sympathetic shoulder when we need it. So here are reasons why one should sympathise with a mother in either of the situations.

Stay-at-home mom. She stays with the children All. The. Time. Her life revolves majorly, almost completely, around the children. She spends all of her day at home, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, even when they are sick… Because she is at home all day long, it is assumed that she is relaxed and well rested, and therefore should not complain about being tired. Really?

To start with, she hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks. Or months. Or years! She wakes up to dirty diapers, noisy brats, not-wanting-to-go-to-school tantrums, getting breakfasts and lunches ready, finding the matching shirt which was right there last night… following which she has to do endless loads of laundry, cook for the family, try and spend some time social networking, some phone calls. The children and husband come home, all with their own needs and demands. And let’s not forget that in a lot of situations, because she is “at home doing nothing” all the time, she is responsible for things like groceries, paying bills, and other random outside jobs as well. At the end of it all, does she have the time to look after herself? Covered in poop and spit-ups all the time, dealing with smelly socks and dirty underwear, covered in splatters of food… there’s no scope for some “me time”. She’s slowly cut off from her other friends who are either too busy being single and can’t really identify with her mommy-ness, or are too busy in their professions, or are going through exactly what she is, and therefore have no time for socialising.

So she decides to give a try at being… a

Working mom. Yes she gets to go out every day, and doesn’t have to “tolerate” the children all the time. That’s because for a few hours a day, she gets a break from the children. But really, can you call it a break? Meeting deadlines, making presentations, dealing with demanding superiors and nagging subordinates, working out logistics, stressing over some issue or the other at work… because if she fails, she becomes a prime example of a “failed mother who tried, but couldn’t be a professional”. All the while she has to mentally prepared to receive a call from the daycare/school about a fight, a broken arm, a raging fever, and is expected to go rushing to take the kid out of that situation.

She returns home (sometimes, picking up the children) and all she would like to do is kick off her shoes, close her eyes and take a nice nap… unwind, forget about what all happened at work, before she gets back to the Real World. But there’s no break! Kids’ naptimes need to be taken care of, their homework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, social networking, some phone calls… followed by the needs and demands of the husband and children… all the work that a SAHM mom takes the whole day to do, a WM has to squeeze into the remaining 4-8 hours of an already long day. At the end of it all, no matter how well she is doing in her profession, or how much financial stability she brings into the family, or how hard she makes up for the missed time once she is back home, she has to deal with the nagging guilt of leaving the children behind and not giving them her complete, undivided attention. If anything goes wrong with the child, or they are lacking in any department, or pick up some skill a wee bit later than their peers, it’s blamed on their working mom who doesn’t have time to devote to the poor child!

For either of the two situations, she doesn’t get a break. She doesn’t get sick leaves. A lot of the times, she doesn’t get too much appreciation. But she doesn’t complain. Because at the end of the day, she gets paid in cuddles, drooly kisses, toothless smiles and a whole lot of love. And whether she is working or not, there isn’t a bit of being a mother that she would want to change!

What challenges or judgement do you face as a mom?

Tips for Travelling with a Little One

Having a child turns your life around completely. It means a lot of changes and adjustments. We all obviously embrace and cherish all the moments, but a lot of the times, in certain situations, we step back and think, can we do this with a baby? How would it work out? Isn't it better to just forget about it.

While having a baby does make a lot of changes to our lives, that shouldn't stop us from having fun. For instance, going on holidays! Or taking a flight for any other reason as well.

Our first trip with Umar was to India when he was 7 months old. After that, I've travelled three more times with him. And while travelling a few times with one child does not make me any kind of expert on the situation, I would still like to share some tips that I found useful, and would hope that they would to be helpful to others, as well.

First of all, PLAN! Start making a checklist of things you may need, about two weeks in advance (giving you enough time to keep adding things that you might forget). I write down even the most obvious things, such as diapers! You never know when mommy brain might attack!

ACCOMMODATION. This is most important, as you need a comfortable place to stay in. In one of our trips (to Istanbul, Turkey) we opted to stay in an apartment for our 6 days there. It turned out to be a good decision as we got a lot of space and a little kitchenette, making it easy to wash Umar's bottles and organise his food. If you plan to stay in a hotel, make sure to request for a crib or, if you co-sleep, ensure that the bed is big enough (if queen size may not seem sufficient). You will need space to keep the stroller as well (some places provide space in or near the lobby for this). You may also need to request some things such as an electric kettle for sterilisation (you don't need a steriliser all the time- Just pour boiling water over the equipment, cover for 5 minutes, and you're done!). Some apartments come with a washing machine as well- super-convenient with a reflux baby or a messy toddler! Or simply for a laundry-obsessed mother!

TRAVELLING IN AN AIRCRAFT. Reserve your seat in advance. If your baby is less than 10 kgs (different airlines have different weight limits; enquire beforehand), you can get a bassinet for them, but the number of bassinets are limited and only available in the front row of every cabin.

Worried about air pressure? If your baby uses a pacifier, no worries. Otherwise you can nurse or bottle-feed them just at take-off/landing time. Most likely, your baby will fall asleep on their own... there's something about an aircraft which puts babies to sleep!

Never hesitate to take the assistance of the onboard crew. They're usually more than helpful! Also, if you're travelling alone, do request for on-ground assistance as well, especially for luggage issues.

CLOTHES. Depending on the weather and kind of trip you're making, I would recommend keeping about two outfits per day (if it's a short- say, a one week trip). If your child has started walking, then at least two pairs of footwear (in case one gets wet/damaged/misplaced). All hotels and even furnished apartments provide clean, extra towels, but if you're more comfortable carrying baby's own, go for a smaller one. Blankets are a must, especially an extra one, in case one gets soiled. Receiving blankets have been my absolute favourites since the day I started using them for my newborn Umar, to date (he's almost 18 months old). They can be used as an extra or a light covering, to shield from the sun, as a burp cloth, a bib when one isn't handy, and to keep on a stroller or car seat if it's hot- their polyester material can make your baby sweat unnecessarily. Even if the weather doesn't call for them, carrying a couple of extra pairs of socks won't hurt. If you have a baby girl, I would advise against carrying unnecessary hairbands, clips etc. Why risk getting them lost? A sunhat or cap is a must as well... again, better to carry an extra as well.

One thing I would point out is to be prepared for all eventualities, weather wise. For instance, if you're going in a cooler climate, note that there may be a possibility it may get sunny and therefore, hot in the daytime, especially if you're walking. Similarly, the evenings on a hot day can get cold or windy. Be especially careful about taking something warm if you have a daytime cruise planned. Extra bibs, washcloths etc. should be carried as well. There are disposable bibs available too, but I never felt the need to use them. It seemed easy enough to rinse out the regular ones.

DIAPERS & TOILETRIES. Count how many diapers you use everyday, and keep at least one per day extra. If you're 100% sure that you'll easily be able to buy your brand where you're going, then keep enough for at least two days, just in case. Have enough wipes at hand as well. Even if your baby isn't prone to nappy rash, still keep a rash creme to be on the safe side. Some creams like Sudocrem are pretty multipurpose and can be used to treat any kind of rash, insect bites, burns etc. You can ask your paediatrician for a sample size as well. Don't forget a hand sanitiser as well. I keep some antibacterial wipes too, to wipe highchairs or other surfaces (I'm not really OCD, but some of the restaurants really can't be trusted!). If you're travelling just for a few days, try and keep other toiletries to a minimum. Shampoo, baby oil, conditioner, soap, moisturiser etc. don't all need to be carried. Most babies do not require frequent shampooing, or you can even try something like the Johnson's Top to Toe wash. Again, a sample would be helpful. If your baby is a bit older and hasn't shown any allergies or skin sensitivity, you can use your milder moisturiser on them (or you can use theirs, to avoid carrying one extra bottle!). The same applies for sunscreen as well. This is a very important thing to keep, especially if you plan on staying outdoors a lot. I use a very mild, herbal one for myself that I've always used for Umar. Remember to carry it around with you and re-apply every 4-5 hours, or sooner if needed. Do carry some extra disposal bags to stash soiled clothes, and dirty diapers, if you can't find a disposal.

FOOD AND SUCH. If you're nursing, do find out if NIP (Nursing In Public) is acceptable where you're going. Some countries are surprisingly liberal or surprisingly narrow-minded when it comes to breastfeeding, or NIP. Remember to carry a nursing cover.

If bottle-feeding, having enough bottles goes without saying. I ordered Playtex Drop-Ins from Amazon- they're the best thing to use when travelling. They come with disposable inserts and you just need to wash/sterilise the teats. Don't forget to carry your cleaning brush, and a tiny bottle of the cleaning detergent you use.

How much formula would you carry? NEVER underestimate. I learned this the hard way. Before our 6 day trip to Istabul, I calculated how much Umar would drink, and it came to just under one regular tin of his formula (Nan2 at that time). Simple enough, right? Wrong! Turns out the change of schedule, moving around etc. made him not want to eat his solids, he ended up drinking more milk than usual, and on our fourth night there, I came to the startling realisation that we will run out of his formula Very Soon! And surprisingly, in the tourist area, we could not find ONE supermarket! People did not even know what 'baby milk' meant. All pharmacies were closed for TWO DAYS (what country does that?!) due to Eid celebrations. We walked and walked and walked.... my panicky mommy brain refused to accept that worse case scenario, our 9 month old could have whole milk in an emergency. Anyway, the next day, we did manage to find ONE store, downtown, that sold over 10 varieties of baby food, but only one of the formula for Umar's stage. Enough said. Lesson learnt.

Also carry baby's favourite foods (teething biscuits, jarred foods- which I do NOT promote but are helpful for emergencies, cereal etc), favourite bowls (ones with lids are very convenient) and cutlery. If your hotel provides breakfast, do not hesitate to ask the manager if you can take some fruit or bread for your little one.

EQUIPMENT.
Strollers. The most important of all. If you know you'll be walking a lot, and baby isn't too used to a stroller, plan ahead and start using one before hand. I even started using one at home when I would be doing chores, just to get Umar used to his. What are the best strollers to take with you? Well that depends on a lot of factors.

The umbrella strollers are more suitable for older babies, babies who do not nap frequently anymore. They're very convenient as they're lightweight, fold up very well, and are easy to manoeuvre. Many of them do not come with a sunshade, however you can buy one in most brands. If you're using one, make sure it has a storage basket (although you can't keep it too heavy).

Bigger prams are bulky to carry around, but ours (Graco Quattro) was a godsent in our Turkey trip. Even though it was a bit annoying to lug around everywhere, Umar was extremely comfortable in it, and when he would fall asleep, it could be reclined way down to lying position. Its big basket was sturdy enough to hold both Saad's and my backpacks. Moreover, it's very rugged and heavy-duty. In our Morocco trip, Umar suddenly refused to spend that much time in the pram, so it ended up carrying everyone's bags (which wasn't such a bad thing, either!). Most prams have very good sunshades as well that go nearly all the way down.

Make sure to check ahead if your airline will return the stroller at the aircraft gate, or on the conveyor belt (different airlines have different policies, and they often work on request, as well).

Slings/Carriers. If you're already into babywearing, excellent! If you're not, start it way in advance. There's no guarantee baby (or your back) will take to it right away.

Car seat. It's a compulsory requirement in most countries. You can check-in yours, pr take it with you in the aircraft and actually use it (but you'll have to pay for the extra seat it will take up), or ask ahead and see if your hotel/acquaintance/rental car company can arrange for one for your trip.

Feeding chair. If your child is one who can NOT eat anywhere other than being strapped up, you can request your hotel to provide your room with a high chair, or you can use a good old stroller!

Baby bag. In all of my travels since Umar has been born, I prefer using a backpack and not a shoulder bag. It has tons of space and more importantly, keeps me hands free. If you choose to use one, make sure it has enough pockets and compartments, as well as side compartments to keep bottle, sanitiser etc. at an easy reach. The sporty ones are the best, as their shoulder straps are well padded. Do check them beforehand, so you know you're comfortable with them. For instance, in our first trip to India, I used a Jansport, but it's straps were so uncomfortable and they didn't distribute the weight equally. They nearly killed my neck and shoulders. I later found a much cheaper Reebok which I totally love. Remember to keep extra of everything for the flight, a little more than you anticipate the baby will need. Especially clothes and diapers. Never underestimate. Babies pee a lot in cold air planes/airports. Umar has had a few pretty bad diaper leaks. Remember to keep extra pacifiers if your baby uses them.

TOYS. Keep a few- some familiar, some new ones. But there's no need to carry too many. A small baby or a toddler can spend hours with your keys, or a remote control, a menu card, a straw cover, or any other random item. If your baby has a favourite teether that suits them though, don't forget to keep those!

MEDICINES. Very important. You don't want to take any chance, and be prepared for all eventualities, all the while praying of course that baby doesn't fall ill. Always carry basic medicines, such as something for fever, diarrhoea, constipation, vomiting, an anti allergy- oral and/or topical. Of course definitely pay a visit to your paediatrician about a week before travelling to get the best advice, information and prescription from them. Get all vaccinations out of the way much before, or save them for after, you travel. Also remember to keep your baby's preferred medicine dispenser- a syringe, dropper, or medicine pacifier. Don't forget to pack your thermometer too!

BE FLEXIBLE AND ACCOMMODATING. Remember that things are different now. There may be setbacks, you may not be able to smoothly catch every bus or meet every deadline, or make it to every item on your agenda. Instead of fretting over trying to visiting every site in your itinerary, or going for every activity recommended, focus more on making the most out of the places you CAN visit. After all, you're there to enjoy and relax, not add to the stress that our daily lives are full of. Don't forget to capture all the beautiful moments with a good camera, and make sure you have enough memory in the memory card, and the appropriate plug attachment for the charger.

So these are some of the tips I can think of, off the top of my head! If you have anything to add, please feel free to leave a comment :)

Travel: Alone, or in a group?

When you are going somewhere on a holiday, what is better- going alone (or a couple), or with a bunch of family/friends, or take a group package from a tour agency?
 
For Saad and I, the last one has never been an option. We started out with our honeymoon- of course just the two of us! Our successive trips have been obviously, either just us (and more recently, with Umar!), or with a group of family and/or friends.
 
Our trips to Malaysia, Jordan and Turkey were just us. Well, Malaysia was the afore-mentioned honeymoon trip, and when we went to Turkey, our little Umar was just under 10 months old.We went to Egypt, London, Italy & Morocco in groups, and we had our share of fun in that, too. Why is it better to travel in a group?
 
First of all, fun, fun, and fun! Entertainment! Company! When you have a group of people clubbed together in a holiday mood, they're all more relaxed, they let go of their airs and issues, and are just out to have fun! Travelling alone for a longer period of time can get dull, boring and well- just plain uninteresting. You need to share your experiences with others, too! Long train and bus rides are so much more interesting with singing, playing games (like charades or song competitions), a little bit of playful leg-pulling etc. After all, for how long can you look out the window, no matter how stunning the scenery may be. At the end of a long day of touring, it's nice to hang out at night, reliving the day's events, exchanging photographs, playing a game of cards, all over a cup of coffee or a few rounds of shisha.

Shopping is all the more enjoyable, too, as you can ask for opinions, get a great bargainer to help you out of the tourist-heckling shopkeepers, or sometimes just find a great hidden buy that you might have missed out on, if it weren't for your co-traveller's keen eye!

Group pictures are so much fun! With so many people struggling to get into the frame, different styles and expressions of their own. Also, if anyone in your group is a photographer, or has a knack of taking good pictures, or simply has a really good camera, then you can take full advantage of that and not have to beg other random tourists to take a picture of the two of you, or your family as a whole!
 
Food! You might be a safe-player, in the sense that you are not one to experiment, especially when it comes to trying out different cuisines. If you are averse to something due to a particular reason (for instance, vegetarianism, or fear due to allergies) then that's a different story. However, you may be missing out on some beautiful cuisines just because you lack the initiative to try out something unfamiliar. If you're travelling with someone who loves trying out different foods, or is familiar with the other cuisine, and isn't afraid to experiment, you may end up falling in love with something new as well!
 
Nightlife... well we're not one for it, but if you are, then of course it's always so much more fun with a bunch of people you can enjoy it with! I wouldn't know, though... but it's not hard to figure that one out!
 
Financially... all costs- food, travels, divided amongst all of you. Always remember to split all costs per head, and not per family, as different families may have different number of people.
 
Logistics... sometimes it's easier to get travel and accommodation arrangements in a group as opposed to a smaller number of people.
 
Finally, when you spend so many days with someone, you end up making friends for life and you return home with a whole bunch of memories. Acquaintances come and go, but once you've gone on a trip with someone, they will always hold a special place in your memory!
 
On the flip side, if you're travelling on your own (in my context, this means as a couple), what advantages would that have over travelling in a group?
 
First of all, there's the privacy part. Especially if you're a private person! If you're a social person or around people a lot of the time, it's nice to get away sometimes and just be on your own. You don't need to worry about being presentable all the time (well, except for those much-planned photographs!) and you can just be yourself, let your guard down!
 
If you have a busy life... for instance, both Saad and I work (especially Saad, who works very long hours) and we keep a pretty busy social calender on weekends, and we hardly ever get any time to unwind. Getting away on your own is the best, perfect, most foolproof way to catch up and spend some quality time with each other. If you're working parents, and feel the guilt of not being able to enjoy your children, and give them your undivided attention, then what better way than to cut yourself off from everyone and everything else and just be the 2/3/4 of you?! You're no longer at the beck and call of phone calls, emails, deadlines etc... it may be just for a few days, but it's good while it lasts! If your life is just too involved in the children and you just need a break from them, it's good to get away and catch up with your partner, and relive memories of how things were before parenthood came along!
 
Personal preferences and no compromises. When you're on a holiday, you may want to do things your way. And what's wrong with that? After all, on a daily basis, you are restricted by forces and people around you. Moreover, different people have different criterion for enjoyment and/or relaxation. Some people may want to make the most of every minute of being in a new place and explore all of it. Some people may want to just relax... after all, it's your getaway, right? Some people really want to explore the shopping areas more than the others. On your own, you can do things just the way you want. One day could be intense, heavy-duty sight-seeing. The other day could be shopping away at the bazaars. The third day you could just relax by the seaside or at the spa!
 
Even when it comes to following a schedule- you can be as rigid, or as laid-back, as you want. You may want to head out really early to catch the first hop-on-hop-off bus and make the most of the day, while another person, who works early hours, wants to sleep in late on their holiday. You have children and can't meet the 7 am tour bus. You were sick all night long (an unfortunate event very likely in a new place!) and just want a few hours extra to snooze away your exhaustion. No worries! You're on your own, you can head out whenever, wherever, and however you want!
 
Another advantage may be the financial factor. When you're travelling in a group, you have to take into consideration the budgets and restraints of everyone in the group. Some people may want to be careful or frugal in their spending (it's not easy dishing out for tickets, accommodation etc.). Others feel that they deserve a vacation all-out, and this is one time they should not have to hold back their purse strings. Want to eat at a high-end restaurant? Don't hesitate to ask the concierge to make your reservations! Want to eat some rolls off a street cart and not have to hear a lecture about how bad street food is? Go right ahead!
 
However you travel, always remember that this is a little break that you may not get over and over again. A little negativity can ruin your entire trip and leave you with bad memories, and a little positivity can leave cherishable, irreplaceable ones in your mind! So make the most of the time on your hands!
 
 

We love to travel!

I really, really felt the need to revive my blog. I've ignored it for far too long. But my last post (how long ago was that?!) was about this dilemma which I don't want to repeat!!

So anyway, as short on ideas I am right now, I decided to blog about something Saad and I love doing- Travelling! To new places, that is. (Having lived in the Kingdom, of course we have travelled back and forth to India all the time!).

It just happened by chance. We hadn't travelled a lot as we were growing up- both of us have had our share of travelling but when we were a lot younger, with our families.

But after we got married, and seemed to have holidays at the same time, and a love for exploring new places, as well as breaking free from our daily routines of going to work & socialising... we needed a break from the Jeddah scene! It started with our honeymoon, and one trip led to another... and we became travel lovers!

So I'm HOPING that, InshaAllah, the next few blogs (hopefully, updated soon!) would be travelogues, covering my many travels, as accurately as my absent-minded mommy-brain would allow!

Do you travel? Do you like to travel? Why do you do it?

For us, we believe that the world has so much to see, and to explore... if you have the opportunity to, why not? Thankfully, Saad & I live in a country that is centrally located. (in fact, it has been proven that Makkah is actually at the center of the earth... and we are just 85 kms from that beautiful, blessed city!). There are so many beautiful Arab countries all around us, full of history, culture and beauty.... Europe is relatively close by, as well... couple that with little breaks that we get at Eid and Baqreid,  can you blame us for a few get aways?!

We started as usual tourists, taken guided tours, just going blindly where our packages took us, and not doing enough homework... and ultimately missing out on many other beautiful experiences.

When we went to Jordan, however, a friend who had recently gone there (and inspired us to make the trip) gave us a LOT of invaluable information and insights, and encouraged us to rent a car and roam the country on our own. And what a trip that was! (I'll save the details for the Jordan Travelogue). And since then, we've always planned our own trips. It really does help that Saad is such a meticulous planner, that he doesn't miss a thing. And we stick to our plans.

Some of our holidays have been just us as a couple (and, more recently, with Umar added as well!); and some, with family and friends, in bigger groups. They were both equally good and equally fun... it just depends on what your priority and preference is. See my upcoming blog about this!

If you are into travelling regularly, remember to make a record of your experiences. Also, keep a standard souvenir set... for instance, I guess everyone loves collecting magnets. Many like collecting mugs, plates or spoons of a particular place. We collect shotglasses and magnets. Our shotglass collection has turned out to be pretty impressive. Not just on our own... we haven't visited more than 10 countries (haven't counted yet!) but now that a lot of people know about our hobby of collecting these little things, they always pitch in and get us one whenever they go anywhere!

So I'm hoping to give some of my insights, based on my experiences of the places I've been to, and I'm hoping that they will provide some interest and entertainment to my followers, as opposed to the strange posts I've published so far! Good luck to me!